I am titanium

Another post in 2019 - i'm just getting back to as though I'm writing a journal back in Secondary school days. Another bottle of wine - this time, it's 2016 Cabernet from Township 7.

I had been drowning myself with Avicii's music. I was just reading my 2010 posts. Avicii was not even popular at that time. Between then and now; he died. But, you know, I really do like him more than David Guetta at this time. funny as it might be; but David Guetta is still alive, so he could surpass Avicii.

Been planning my time schedule of who to meet when I'm in SG for CNY. i'm here in YVR for 10 years. 10 years had changed who I will meet when I'm back in SG. I'm glad to be able to still meet those people that I know 10 years ago and more. Looking back, I had a lot more people to meet 10 years ago, but it had dwindled down to those key people. Connections, fate, destiny? I don't know. But i know, i'm grateful that for these connections. Going to meet up with a 'lost' connection this time around. It's going to be fun. Nerve-wrecking too; as this person is someone that I had known for more than 10 years; and yet we lost touch. Just out of the blue, I decided to just do it, instead of "drunk-asking" all the time when I'm back- fully known that the person will not be able to make it. I'm excited too at the same time. But, it's like, trains on train tracks... our life had diverted and went around to different places all these time. And, we are going to meet and connect. Are we able to just talk like before and talk about all the different places we had been. We will see. I'm nervous.

And, should I just up the ante - and just ask a few of the lost connections to meet up? And yet, for certain connection - it's like the time is up, and although the train stops at the same stations for the last 10 years, it feels like it's going to go apart. Sad, but maybe it's inevitable. God knows.

To get to what I want, perhaps, it just going to coincide 10 years ago, where I did my couple of months of no paid leave and had a road trip through US + vacation.. it's might just be 2020 when I do my trip. #10 years challenge (that's supposedly the "in-thing now").

I am tired. I want to earn a lot of money. If I can always double down just 10X; I will be able to pay off the mortgage, and then still have a lump sum to just chill and do my roadtrip. So, perhaps, this year will be the year to try to double down and set up for a win for 2020.

I can do it.

Just like Daivd Guetta - Titanium -
"I'm bulletproof nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium"

 Walking on Cambie Street - Jan 12, 2019

 Cambie bridge - Jan 12, 2019 - clouds in the sunset.

Jan 11, 2019 - LiftCo convection

in Jan 2019...

It's 2019. the last time i 'blogspot' was 9 years ago. in singapore terms, that means, the 9 year old kid is in primary 3/4 years old  my first born nephew (from my cousin - aka J1 - is already 12 years old aka PSLE)

Yet,  it wasn't so long ago that i put my thoughts into words; but with the evolution of technology - things have changed. blogspot isn't blogspot anymore. it's called the blogger.

What have i achieved in the last 9 years while the world created instagram, twitter, and facebook, and everything else.

and What can i achieve in the next 10 years. will blogger - as they call it, exist?

I am not someone that shares openly about my life .. be it on facebook or on the instagram account  that i "stalk" pictures of Shibas... so, why did i look up my previous blogspot? and writing this. A matter of just getting back to "writing a journal" - like a kid in secondary school days; or externalizing this so that when I'm old, i have something to show that I'm cool. I don't know. I just know that I feel like typing this today.

Today is 2019, January 11. - happens to be Mel's birthday. i wished her Happy Birthday in the whatasapp group chat. 9/10 years ago.. what was whataspp. group chat 9/10 years. Okay. i feel bad. I whatsapp Mel personally.

9 years of not "blogging" - is that even something that people do today? I don't know. I now have a routine. i had changed or grown up. I will say. Experienced various all "SHIT", made different connections and network; and ultimately, 9 years later, I feel that I'm back to square one.

I want to see the world. I want to let that had tied me down from the past 9 years or so, go. But yet, when i want to do that, I'm sad. Not the non-living things; but things that depend on me (being a grown up): - the shrimps, fish and plants that accompany me for the last few years. They are living things. How can I just pack and go. I  want to. Life is never fair. It might be a joke to people that I'm upset to leave the living things behind - shrimps, fish and plants. but i feel bad. or am i scared to just take the step that I want to do.

So what do I want to do?

I want to do a road trip back to SG.. Or to Malaysia. DRIVE from where I am. or do an overland from where I'm. The only thing that i don't like about not driving is someone else driving. i.e, i don't want do take buses in between. Tours, maybe. Control is what I want.

I googled. there are 195 countries. I want to set foot in every single one of them before I die. Is that possible? Do I have enough money. What do I want?

2019 = 36 years ago
9 years ago = 25 years ago

as I type this, i'm shocked.
I have grey hair (in sg - they say - WHITE hair). I'm aging like a wine. (i will say that, as I'm drinking red as I type).

9 years ago, I was going to do my road trip to the East Coast and back. (2010 summer). I didn't know that 9 years ago in exact. At that time - 9 years ago, i was still working things out. Things only worked out closer to summer of 2010.

9 years later where my road trippers are at? Don't get me wrong. I'm at peace alone. There will always be people that will come and go in life, and there will be certain people that will stay. It's those that stay matters most to me; but I'm glad for all the "fleeting moments".

Family, Close Friends that I keep in touch matter most. Those in between are, are good times to remember, but nothing to hang on and drag. Heartless some will say, but I think that's realistic.

Coming back to where I'm at today, I'm grateful for everything that had happened. New connections, new people. but, I just feel that I need to address my WANT. my WANT to drive back to SG, road trip to be cool; but more importantly, to be able to choose to do this FINANCIALLY. F*. I am an adult. I think about if I can survive with Moola that I have to do my WANT.

So, being a financially responsible person - do I plan to do a Road trip back to SG  in 2020?

Did I just write a goal for myself? Did I just set a challenge for myself? Underneath it all, I just want to be financially independent to be able to do what I want for the rest of my life.

Clarity - it is all coming to be. Financially independent to do all the shit i want. and the "shit" i want:
1. drive from YVR to SIN (it's cool)
2. See Antarctic
3. touch down in all the countries in the world (not in a meaningful way).
4. See South America

So before I go too old, and I forget (as I don't back up photos in my iphone 4 and my S7 - if all these terminology matter 9 years later) ..

Life is Good. i have that t-shirt.

And I as I become more morbid - please play songs from Acicii, David Guetta, The killers to celebrate my life ( i wonder if those song exist when i die); anyway, i wonder if all these exist when I pass - and drink to my life (red, beer, whisky, sake) - yes I'm specific.  DRINK one of the above.

okay tequilla and volka will  makes it to the list for: 1. margaritas at cafe iguana  after paulners were one of the best times in my life  (you know who). 2. Volka will be the on list as it was the first drink I ever had was Screwdriver at the lineup at Zouk - and kudos to "these people" i know of that asked me to have my first drink. ( you know who you are).


There are new people that I give gratitude to as I shape my life in my 30's. But the people I know and remain close since I'm in my teens... that's rare. 20 + years.. that's old shit - ( ps. to the people I know 20 years + .. you know who you are.. that's.. something I'm eternally grateful to -> being by my side all the way to till today - you have a choice - not like my sis/family [don't tell her/them that]/ .. you know I do love you [counts to everyone that you know me more than 20 years - count!]- & i do love my family and sis).

I just realized that I just finished a bottle of 2017 Merlot - Township 7 Vineyards. Is this all?

i don't know. I just have this current "WANT" to see Mongolia, and drive to SG from where I'm at. Will it all go away? What will happen to the living creatures that I cannot live behind. and can i have it.?


There is only one thing I know of myself - i will set up a scenario that I can roll the die that i want to win  or have the chance to win. Once I set my mind on something, I will be able to psyche myself to it.

It doesn't have to be in 2019; as I'm still a financially responsible person (i hate this part of me). But i know myself. I'm strong mentally that i know if I WANT something, i will work towards it. Success rate had been 100%.

Just spilled wine.  But cleaned up. So will I remember this- no. I remember all the small successes and people who had been with me - good or bad; it's all memories.

The org. that I volunteer had a planning session today and one of the question is "What do [XX] will be in [X] years?".

Bringing to my life.. what will I am be [X] years?  I don't know. I know that 1. only certain people that matters in your life will stay with you for those {X] years and for those people who don't, it;s okay, as fate never matches up with the leavers.; 2. family matters [ they cannot run; and I love them in my own ways and how i express them, i know they matter to me] 3. i will give my all to being alive one day after another. And that means, I will take good care of my health - exercise and being healthy and all that "shit"; as I had seen people who had died in their earlier years, and honestly, I'm scared shit that I don't get to do what I want before I die.

Want not need.

it;s late (230am). and yet all i want to is to be awake, have another drink; but I know, being a responsible adult, i need to stop and sleep. It is a work day. I need to get the moola for tomorrow, and to fulfill my wants.

Tomorrow or later is another day . Towards my "WANTS".